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Literature Text
i measure my worth
in pounds and ounces
reflected
by the glow of
my bathroom scale.
refuse to eat
too much
even when
my stomach yearns
for the satisfaction
of a real meal.
50 crunches
2300 calories
becomes
100 crunches
2000 calories
i was never
pretty
beautiful
hot
or stunning
when my BMI
was insanely high.
as i lose
weight
(control)
i gain
friends
confidence
(concern)
skip breakfast
granola for lunch
and vegetables for dinner.
am i pretty enough yet?
count each calorie
i insert
if it reaches 1000
i've had too much.
restrict
restrict
restrict
f
a
t
is a four letter word
that i constantly
obsess over.
reject the chocolate
be proud of the prominent
collar bones
hip bones
cheek bones
thin and skinny
mean well
when you become others
(th)inspiretation
no one suspects
problems like this
from
the star athlete
the class genius
the brilliant actress
they expect it from
the ballerina
the popular bitch
the druggie
wait --
its not a problem until you
deny
deny
deny
hiding it is easy
until your friends notice
your lunches thinning
your bones, obvious
(they're too afraid to speak
or they're too shitty to care)
hiding it is easy
until your mothers eyes grow
worried
and your father congratulates you.
its all worth it
till happiness
is stripped away,
replaced by
anxiety
fear
and just a hint
of panic
Trigger warning for those who continue to battle with eating disorders. Or it's just triggering in general for you.
This has to be the most honest thing I've ever written without bending the truth even a little bit. From the time I was in fifth grade, I've had body issues. I've always thought I was just a bit heavier then everyone else. I thought I was fat. I've been continuously losing weight from sixth grade on. During the summer, I developed a type of anorexia (anorexia athletica for those who're interested). I counted every little calorie and got anxious when I reached around 1500. Keep in mind, I had set myself a goal of eating 2400 a day then 2300 then 2000. 2000 is the bare minimum for female athletes who work out daily. I didn't even wanna reach that. I also constantly worked out. If I ate one chocolate bar or ice cream or anything that's empty calories, I would start doing sit ups and crunches. I would do two-three sets of planks daily. I found ways to make it so my stomach looked flatter then it already was. At my lowest I was 125lbs. My mom made me delete the app once she saw how obsessed I was. She forced me to eat what I used to love, telling me that I wouldn't gain anything.
It's been a year now since I first developed it and I'm still in recovery. I don't want to state exactly who - it's not a what, it's people - caused me to decide I needed to go to extremes. I still have the calorie tracking app and use it occasionally. I still am prone to feeling out of control from just eating what I want. I still hear that voice that tells me "hunger is just a state of mind" and to "push through it, wait till dinner." I doubt I'll ever be a hundred percent better, but I'm hoping for ninety-nine.
This was/is my "deepest, darkest" secret for :devopen-mic-poetr:'s contest. Frankly, I don't care if I win. I'm just glad it offered me a chance to open up to everyone and myself.
© 2014 - 2024 inkstaineddove
Comments23
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Overall Vision Originality Technique ImpactYou sharing your own personal story in such a raw form makes my heart pound, and my heart bleed. I know in aspects what it is like to be where you were (are) and have struggled through issues with my body image before too (still do) and it inspires me to see you being so honest about it and putting it into an original poem.
The poem strikes every heart chord and impacts me deeply. So I gave you five stars on impact, because wow.
You have a very clear, clean, writing style. I did not notice any errors or problems with the poem in structure. I also like how you don't write the poem like everyone else seems to (from a terrible me-centric state of mind with little care to appearance, though at times that is the best thing to be put out there).
I like how original you are, because so many people could go on and on about eating disorders and make poem after poem repeating what everyone else has already said, but you came up with an entirely new way to present it. I applaud you.
I like the vision of this. I am a visual person and you painted pictures for me. I like to have imagery going on when I read something, and not only did you invoke memories, emotions, and thoughts, but you invoked heart-wrenching visuals.