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Literature Text
you are poison incarnate,
serpentine in your ways,
hissing out broken promises.
slither into some unsuspecting heart.
leave - for that is all
you do,
all you are capable of.
i remember tales of
the princess and her frog-prince.
how he changed with a kiss.
with a kiss, you turn from
dashing prince, chivalrous and
gorgeous,
to croaking frog, dragging
the princess d
o
w
n
to the bottom of the lake.
on a summer night
time has now erased,
i whispered to you
‘be great.’
who knew your legacy
would become a harem
of girls crying out:
‘forget-me-not.’
serpentine in your ways,
hissing out broken promises.
slither into some unsuspecting heart.
leave - for that is all
you do,
all you are capable of.
i remember tales of
the princess and her frog-prince.
how he changed with a kiss.
with a kiss, you turn from
dashing prince, chivalrous and
gorgeous,
to croaking frog, dragging
the princess d
o
w
n
to the bottom of the lake.
on a summer night
time has now erased,
i whispered to you
‘be great.’
who knew your legacy
would become a harem
of girls crying out:
‘forget-me-not.’
Final poem uploaded from that old English assignment of mine. This one I'm most proud of. It's about a muse I've too often written about, but hopefully this is the last time
© 2015 - 2024 inkstaineddove
Comments1
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Overall
Vision Originality
Technique ImpactThe structure, language and snake metaphors are fantastic to the point where I can almost imagine your 'muse'. You have a great structure with a clear starting point and a very nice resolution, and you used sophisticated, fitting vocabulary, especially in the first stanza. It was a pretty brave decision to literally represent 'down' in the second stanza but you pulled it off quite well.
The only improvements I would suggest is to perhaps change the title, since your one seemed a bit too blunt and would be better suited as a first line. There were also some short lines that seemed a bit too repetitive, especially when the style seems quite on-the-nose throughout.
I really liked this. You have an impressive grasp of the tone and structure and your vocabulary and creativity really shine through here. Really, really well done.