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Literature Text
i'm in love with you
you don't think about me
once again, shoved to a corner
of some pretty boys mind.
it makes a girl sit down cry
and wonder why.
i guess i shouldn't blame you
we hardly talk face-to-face
other than at football games
where you are preoccupied with greatness.
you promised to come to one of
my games but that'll never happen.
and if you did, wouldn't she be attached
to you like the robot she is?
(though that's how all your girlfriends
are. god forbid one can think and feel
and act without worrying what her
"popular" friends will think.
though that is a crime i can bet
you've committed to because
was it you or i who said image is everything?
frankly, my dear, i don't remember)
everything we do is for naught so
why not take a stupid chance with
someone's who prettier, younger,
smarter, and weighs less?
comparisons and let downs are my hidden
talents, but isn't that true with every girl?
frankly, my dear, i don't remember that
nor do i care.
i would much rather go out and
flirt with your much hotter friends
because a smile and a nice rack
will be my weapons against you.
it's a war that's not worth fighting
for because you don't care while
i sit in bed dreaming, thinking, craving
every essence of you.
i suppose i'm in lust with you
you're just a player
full title: you're pointless and i'm hopeless
True story about my love life (or lack thereof)
For ~poetrybook's Scratch That Contest. Yes, I still write for contests and not just myself.
True story about my love life (or lack thereof)
For ~poetrybook's Scratch That Contest. Yes, I still write for contests and not just myself.
© 2013 - 2024 inkstaineddove
Comments4
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Overall Vision Originality Technique ImpactI think with a little more uniformity, this would make an amazing poem. You have great lines, one of my favorites (and with the most impact) is
"i guess i shouldn't blame you
we hardly talk face-to-face
other than at football games
where you are preoccupied with greatness.
That gives the reader a feel for the relationship. He ignores her and she's fed up with it. However, the poem is confusing at points. In the next paragraph it's talking about his girlfriend. From the first couple lines, one would assume the narrator is the girlfriend. If she's not his girlfriend, why should she feel obligated to go to his games and he feel obligated to go to hers? Unless of course he is cheating on her. If that is the case, I would clarify that. Their relationship is extremely confused.
It also switches topics a tad bit roughly. I understand the girl's venom at hate at the other girls for being stereotypical 'robot's of society for their need to conform to the status quo. I think phrased differently the point would come across stronger. Instead I would have tried something like this "Why love a bland toy from a happy meal box, when you have me with diamond eyes and gorgeous locks?" Okay... Probably not that. But I think I got the point across.... Oh I hope so... Try to compare something that is an everyday thing that's bland and dull versus something that is unique and great. It would fit in with the poem and let you subtly switch to comparisons smoothly.
Another thing to make the poem run smoother would be to switch around a few paragraphs, place
i would much rather go out and
flirt with your much hotter friends
because a smile and a nice rack
will be my weapons against you.
it's a war that's not worth fighting
for because you don't care while
i sit in bed dreaming, thinking, craving
every essence of you.
-and place it right before the last paragraph so it reads:
i would much rather go out and
flirt with your much hotter friends
because a smile and a nice rack
will be my weapons against you.
it's a war that's not worth fighting
for because you don't care while
i sit in bed dreaming, thinking, craving
every essence of you.
i suppose i'm in lust with you
you're just a player
I hope this helps, I do really like you poem! <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="15" height="15" alt="
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