literature

like a young god

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inkstaineddove's avatar
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Literature Text

desperation clings to me.
i am forever in search of
a legacy that will never
come to me unless,
somehow, i set myself
free. 

but what is 'free' when
all i've known is
the shackles of the past,
connecting me to events and
memories i no longer wish
to be tethered to,
no longer want to
bring me down into this
cruel reality?

if there were a god,
She would've made this world
a little nicer,
a little kinder for the
outcasts, for those
tossed aside like 
annoying crumbs clinging
stubbornly to you.

what is the point in
turning oneself into marble?
what's the point of 
creating yourself into
myth when we don't even
remember the names,
much less the tales, of
the old gods?

marble cracks after all.
just like all art, all lies,
all histories,
it is quick to turn to
dust on your fingers;
leaving this world as we
entered, the ashes of the
extraordinary turned extra ordinary. 
I've been examining my own desperation to have a legacy and to make the pages of history or, at the very least, to write those pages myself. Something beautiful and frantic came out of it at 2am last night. The editing of this was very limited since I liked how it felt. Of course, I'm always open to critiques and suggestions. Especially on whether or not having 'She' be capitalized was a good artistic choice or not. 

Also, my apologies for lifting the title from Halsey lyrics. If any of you have seen my works (and descriptions) for any length of time then you know how terrible I am at coming up with good ones. And it is a good song at least to an angsty teenager it is
© 2018 - 2024 inkstaineddove
Comments14
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BATTLEFAIRIES's avatar
:star::star::star-half::star-empty::star-empty: Overall
:star::star::star-half::star-empty::star-empty: Vision
:star::star::star-half::star-empty::star-empty: Originality
:star::star::star-half::star-empty::star-empty: Technique
:star::star::star-half::star-empty::star-empty: Impact

Hello, Critmas Trebuchet here - I'm not as much of a poet, but I'd like to take a stab at this, regardless. So brace for impact: blunt object incoming!

I find this particular brand of contemplative poetry hard, because established thinker-poets, or poets who call themselves poets tend to have imagery and similes that I have yet to decipher and then second-guess myself on for a while until I can convince myself that 'I get it'. I don't like missing out on what people are communicating to me, as well. I won't be saying much about content, for this reason: I just don't think I'll have much useful to contribute.

I do, however, appreciate the power of words, and the joy of playing with them. I really liked, for example, your nice flourish there right at the end. That kind of thing is right up my alley.
I was also intrigued at the sight of 'She', right after 'if there were a god', which I think says a whole lot with just three letters. It took me off guard, but in a good way. It made me question things and it had me read the piece in a slightly different light. It is one thing I feel that makes this poem stand out.

What I wasn't sold on was the rather in-the-middle mix of a relaxed, contemporary use of language and a more pompous 'purely for poetry' sort of language, which I think feels a bit dishonest. The poem starts off rather like I imagine a poety saying 'Now I shall go forth and compose poetry' would, and less like someone placing personal doubt about the divine on the foreground and then writing about that in a more personal manner. In short I think the piece suffers from unneeded embelishment, if you catch my drift? These lines, for instance: "annoying crumbs clinging // stubbornly to you" rely a lot on the adjective and adverb to make them sound special and precise, but too much so to my tastes. Crumbs are already stubborn and unwanted, so I see no need to want to augment that particular image with extra words.

This is all I have in the way of criticism, though. I hope it wasn't too much nitpicking - your piece was actually really thought-provoking, and I wouldn't want to diminish that in any way.

At any rate, have a great New Year and my best wishes for it. Cheers!

(PS: don't mind the stars; terrible rating system, so I just give everybody the same.)